On Divorce: How To Process in the Present

 

On October 24, 2009 in front of 225 friends and family at Tribeca Rooftop I got married. Wearing Vera Wang, hair and make-up done to (almost) perfection, I walked down the stairs from the covered roof to my parents who then escorted me to the man I was marrying that day.  After about a 20 minute ceremony, with the torrential rain banging against the glass ceiling above us, we were married. It was dramatic to say the least. 

On June 3, 2016 my marriage ended. 

We had been separated for just over two years but this marks the date where the paperwork was signed. Yes I knew it was coming. There were no surprises. And thankfully, it was not acrimonious.  But the extreme sadness and devastation I felt with the finality of it hit me to the core. I have felt it on and off over the past two years. But the finality is different all together. 

 There is a time to express and feel; there is a time to put on a brave face. There is a time to just sit in the moment with the discomfort and pain, but with the faith that someday this too shall pass. A smart friend of mine, also divorced, said to me “the only way through it is through it.”  I couldn’t agree more.Life is filled with loss. We all process in our own unique ways. I am not in the business of measuring one type of loss over another. But when in it, here are some ways I try to best cope 

Living in the moment-

For those of you who know me well you are now laughing; you know this is not one of my strengths. I am constantly planning the next- or at least thinking about it. It is exhausting and I know those closest to me find it tiresome as well. In the first few days afterwards, I had a different emotion every few minutes.  Probably heightened by the fact that the day after my paperwork was signed I went to my 20th High School Reunion.  Therefore, I realize there is nothing to do but sit in the moment. Let any emotion that comes and acknowledge it. Embrace feeling happy; recognize sadness; find comfort in excitement.  When I started thinking about the future; I found myself completely overwhelmed.  This is the first time in my life where I truly understand the meaning take it day to day. 

How to live in the moment

  “All-In”

For the next 40 minutes I am going to only focus on my clients.  For the next game I am playing with my daughter it is all about Bingo. For as long as my fingers type I am thinking about this sentence I am writing.  

When I feel my mind start creeping away from me I go right back to the focus on the present.  With my clients, there are people there to see me and I must give them what they deserve.  When I am with Sophia, I do remember life does go quick and I don’t want to miss a moment of it with her.  And, when I feel sad and I am not teaching or in a position where I have to put on my brave face I let myself feel it completely.  It’s scary as anything; but necessary.


Find your movement: 

Running was always my go-to.  But with the recent stress fracture I have had to figure out other alternatives.  Even before the stress fracture, I found that in the past two years, during my separation, aside from running the Houston Marathon running is not as peaceful to me as it once was.This past weekend, my movement was Yoga.  On Saturday I took myself through the primary ashtanga series on my own.  Ironically, during this practice, I) actually found myself deeper in two positions that have been challenging me since I started back in January.  On Sunday I went to a led class by an instructor I love.  In those moments I was able to come back to present and just focus. 
 

Just Sit:

We are under time constraints; we have work, responsibilities, errands to run, things to do.  But when you can honor the time to just sit, do it.  Acknowledge which emotions come up; if you don’t they will come out one way or another elsewhere.